Indifference – the worst kind of pain comes from the indifference of those who should care (Rating: PG, Genre – General,)
Pain does not disappear if you don’t look at it.
You can look away, you can look towards happy things. You can force yourself to focus on the good, the great, the brilliant.
But it still hurts, just a little. The little twinge at the edge of your mind which reaches round the corners of your conscious thought and feeds the ache that you realise something is missing.
In some ways, the action of anger is easy to deal with. It is a thing, you can talk to it, respond to it, yell at it. You can feel rage against it, you can defend yourself against it, you can do an action to make yourself known.
Indifference? Now that hurt is a totally different beast. It isn’t an action, but the lack of action. The lack of questions. The lack of care. The lack of thought or love or fucks. It is just the simple idea that you are not important to someone.
That you never were.
It hurts to see it for what it is. At least, when you didn’t see it, you couldn’t recognise why you were in pain. You could blame yourself. You could blame something else. You could forget your pain because it was so insidious, like another part of your being.
But when you recognise the indifference. When you feel what it means to be loved, to be truly loved and unconditionally loved, you realise what was lacking. That great, gaping hole of care which you have carried for your whole life now has a bright light shining on it.
And it is a hole. A lack of love. A dark, gaping void where something should be.
And now you see it, you can feel it. You can feel the hole when you see others, strangers to you, caring for their families. When you see what you never will, can never, experience or have. You see it on the train, in the car, in the shops, at home, on TV. It is everywhere, every single place you see you realise what you were missing.
And my god it hurts. The pain that flows into the hole of love lost is so powerful, so strong, it seeps into your very soul.
It almost becomes your soul.
I mean, you can try to fill the hole the best you can. You can try to ignore it, to force yourself to think happy thoughts.
But it will always be there, a reminder of what could have been.
A reminder of what was.
A reminder of what was never given to you.